Who, us? We’re just two carefree girls-about-town who’ve teamed up with ASOS* to dress like our homes and offer tips on it like we’re some kind of professional outfit. We pillaged ASOS Supply and went to town on ASOS new season fashion, and pulled together a comprehensive guide on the very serious business of home-twinning. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, we present:

The Pseudo-Minimalist’s Guide to Dressing Like Your Home

As a pretend minimalist, people often ask me, Emma, how is it that you and your home are so perfectly in tune with one another? Well, read on, friends – these are my top tips.

Step One: Choose Your Tones

Emma from @thecrapflat wears all ASOS
Beautiful midi dress and wire waste paper basket both gifted by ASOS

First, take a look around your home for visual cues. You’ll note that slight feeling of panic as you realise dirty white walls aren’t easy to dress like. Push it to the back of your mind and choose black things instead. Yes, black will be your friend.

Emma from @thecrapflat wears all ASOS
Beautiful midi dress, sandals and wire waste paper basket gifted by ASOS

Get quite into the idea that your dress and waste paper basket both have lines in them, and choose square-toe sandals that are also essentially straight black lines. Remember how much you love straight black lines. Sit in a reverie about this for at least half an hour.

Step Two: Do a Pose

Take one butter-soft belted suede jacket, and belt it. Now pose. Pose again. No, you’re doing it wrong, try another pose. Shout at your photographer for five minutes for making you look bad. Try again. There you go – jackpot. Wonder when Vogue will come calling.

Emma from @thecrapflat wears all ASOS
Belted suede jacket, shelf mirror and wicker basket all gifted from ASOS

Try to do a winking face in the excellent minimal mirror. Fail. Settle for a raised eyebrow instead. Vow never to wink again.

Emma from @thecrapflat wears all ASOS
Earrings, mirror and jacket gifted from ASOS

Step Three: Lose Your Mind

You know what they say: when all else fails, Lion King it. By this stage you’ll have the unhinged eyes of a woman so totally bonded with her home that nothing else matters. Go with it.

Emma from @thecrapflat wears all ASOS
Find somebody who looks at you the way Emma looks at her basket

Choose a linen suit in just the right shade of rust and pair it with a bamboo plant stand because, you know, natural fibres. Add the world’s largest ever gold earrings and never want to take it all off. Go around hugging all your furniture when the shoot is over, and nod sagely like they do at the end of action films. That home – what a GUY.

Emma from @thecrapflat wears all ASOS
Earrings, basket and linen suit all gifted by ASOS

The All-Out Maximalist’s Guide To Dressing Like Your Home

If you’re a true maximalist, you’re going to have to dress up like Grayson Perry to live up to your home aesthetics. I am. So I have.

Step One: Pick a Print, Add Five More.

Take some gingham, gold and leopard print then add a smattering of sequins and pop it on top of a geometric pastel blanket and you get quite the visual feast. Some people would say spangle trousers and a cute peplum top wouldn’t go together but those people are just dead wrong (they’re actually deceased. I killed them for saying it).

Robyn from @almost_everything_off_ebay wears all ASOS
Sequin trousers, metallic top and throw all gifted by ASOS

Once you’ve created an outfit guaranteed to draw a crowd practise those vintage Joan Collins exercise video poses. You’re going to want to serve these looks hard.

Robyn from @almost_everything_off_ebay wears all ASOS
Sequin trousers, metallic top and throw all gifted by ASOS

Step Two: NEVER Dress Down. Ever.

Life’s too short to wear beige and if your trousers aren’t so tight you risk a yeast infection, is it even fashion? You need to do some gardening – it’ll be the lamé kaftan. Gotta make a cake? Woollen poncho time, baby. And when I’m tidying the bathroom ain’t no pristine pink pants and polkadot blouse gonna stop this bitch bleaching. The thing that’ll stop me is getting distracted and dousing myself with perfume, apparently.

Robyn from @almost_everything_off_ebay wears all ASOS
Candy trousers, shirt and bath mats gifted by ASOS

Add outrageous accessories like the pom pom bathmat to make sure everyone gets the message that your home is about fashion first – everything else is secondary.

Robyn from @almost_everything_off_ebay wears all ASOS
Ruddy EXCELLENT pom-pom bath mat gifted by ASOS

Step Three: Costume Change Between Every Room

Unless your house is all one colour, you’re going to want to swap your outfit to fit the decor and if your home is a frenzy of periods, patterns and hues that’s going to mean a LOT of changes (hair and makeup adjustments included). You wouldn’t catch me in this kitchen in sports-luxe but I’ll gladly throw back some cereal from these incredible marble bowls and plates in a coordinating graphic monochrome jumpsuit and eight inch heels.

Robyn from @almost_everything_off_ebay wears all ASOS
Monochrome jumpsuit and green marbled breakfast set all gifted by ASOS

So bang a small porch between each room and make sure you add an outfit to each before you go to bed. Let’s take keeping up with the Joneses to a whole new level.

When you’re in a room that’s giving you full 50s vibes, theme the menu to fit. Cornflakes and a gin? Instant classic.

*All outfits and featured homewares gifted. THANK YOU, ASOS, for making our home-twinning dreams come true.

And thank you to both Mr Crap Flat and Jamie for their photographic skillz.

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