The perfect gift for the aunty you secretly hate? How to say, ‘Thanks for Brexit, Dad’ with socks? We got you, guys.

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Men's gifts
They may look like thoughtful gifts, but they mask a lot of passive aggression

To Mr Crap Flat, love Emma

Dear Mr Crap Flat, thank you for putting up with my incessant rearranging and for doing all my DIY. Here’s a selection of gifts that say, I love you, and please notice how the amount of money I’ve spent is designed to indirectly make you feel bad for not spending as much on me. You are welcome. Kicking things off with Le Labo’s Santal, which smells like heaven and looks very cool. Then the waterproof Rains Backpack for your cycle into work, and so when I wear my Rains jacket we can match, because I know you hate that. Then this Elements of Islay single malt because I know you don’t like peaty whisky and I’ll get to drink it.

The humble cushion – what a gift

To my sister, love Emma

To my sister I will gift a pillow to quietly scream into every half hour or so. Perhaps this one from Tom Dixon, with its sound-muffling thickness. This from Teixidors which is subtle enough to carry around with you everywhere. The Cote Pierre one which looks a bit like the swirling emotions you’ll be feeling all Christmas, or the Heal’s Geo one, which is really just a lovely cushion.

Nothing says neighbourly love like the sweet, sweet sound of nothing

To My Upstairs Neighbours, Love Emma

Slippers. For all those Wednesdays you get in at 4am (I’ll wrap these up in a passive aggressive note).

gifts for Dads
To Pops, everybody needs a little me-time

To Dad, love Emma

For my Dad, I shall give the gift of a little me-time ritual so he can carve out a little of the day for himself, because having a lot of people around doth stress him out muchly. This Slow Brewer Coffee Stand will force him to take his time, while he readies his cup and saucer, and he can light this Whisky and Oak candle, because it’s too early to actually drink, even at Christmas.

Gifts for grandparents
To Grandma and Grandad, love Emma

To Grandma and Grandad, Love Emma

For Grandma, a set of Ferm Ripple glasses for the drink that’ll push you over the edge at the Christmas table, resulting in an almighty fight about which Grandchild is the favourite. And for Grandad, this little book of calm and mindful quotes he can whip out in tense moments to pretend it isn’t happening. Then a big Boxing Day Hamper to take some of the work out of the next day when the entire family descends on you for nibbles. And, of course, it will all be wrapped exquisitely because every year you put us to shame.

Asos fashion
Please, Santa, stop at ASOS

To Emma, love Emma

I will roll around in these pieces on Christmas Day, drunk, shouting, ‘IT’S BECAUSE I DESERVE IT’. Nobody will enjoy it but me. Because I deserve it. These leather trousers from ASOS are THE ONES, because I went leather once and I’m never going back. And I shall wear them with this satin top and this Dad blazer, then top it all off with these jazzy shoes, because it’s fucking Christmas.

To Daddy D, love Robyn

My Poppa likes everything to be ‘of the earth’ so finding natural and sustainable presents is a focus. First off, jeans. Dad only ever has one pair of jeans and he just waits for that pair to fall apart to get a replacement set. Because of Levis Better Cotton initiative, which commits to more sustainable production, that’s what I’ll be getting him this year so he doesn’t have to wander around in his smalls. He’s also addicted to jam so this set of Mrs Bridges’ Twelve Days of Christmas preserves is coming his way. And a zero waste bathroom set from Etsy is just the thing to top off his stocking – favourite child title retained for another year.

a hamper of bathroom products, a man in jeans and tan boots and a selection box of twelve jams
Despite what this picture suggests, my dad is not a cowboy

To the Doggos, love Robyn

To make the Christmas morning walk less insufferable, I’ll invest in this lovely eyes harness from Hiro and Wolf for the puppy who plans to pull my arms off. Then matching jumpers, naturally. These shark beauties from Joules very much fit the bill. Also a pet teepee for Cilla to go and hide in when it gets Too Much (i.e when the traditional row kicks off). And finally, PLEASE SANTA gift them a stay at The Country Dog Hotel. The service ferries them off to a veritable doggie wonderland in Somerset so I can have a weekend of sweet, sweet peace.

a dog in a pink shark jumper, a dog in a blue harness, a dog in a teepee and a dog in a blue shark jumper
All of these dogs are MUCH better behaved than my dogs. I can tell you that without ever meeting them. The only dog worse than my dogs is Fenton.

To my little bro, love Robyn

Ok, I’ve realised this list is super masculine so I’m going to get my brother some CBD goodies from OTO and focus on his lovely, and wildly girly, fiance instead. Rebekah has just bought her first flat so a personalised welcome mat was a must. Then some pink accessories like this bubblegum cushion from Next and gorgeous quilt from La Redoute. And as an extra special treat the Charlotte Tilbury Pillow Talk set gives a classy pop of pink that looks the business.

a pink fluffy cushion, a pink and brown eyeshadow set, a pink and white duvet set and a home sweet home welcome mat
Can you tell Rebekah likes pink?

To the long-suffering Jamie, love Robyn

Apparently you can’t buy a cannonisation so I’ll have to load up on gifts to say ‘sorry I’m the worst wife ever’ to St Jamie, the most patient man in Britain (Prince Charles is a close second). First up this Penhaligon’s Endymion cologne he is yet to repurchase for himself cos he’s a cheap-ass. Then a casual coat from Minimum to keep him toasty when he’s walking the dogs cos he’s yet to buy one for himself, again cos he’s a cheap-ass. Finally he’s getting a copy of Hidden London: Discovering the Forgotten Underground cos boy does that kid dig the tube.

a book on hidden London with a red cover with the underground on it, a man in a green coat, stripey top and black jeans
Gifts for almost all the senses

To all my friend’s children, who I want to buy tiny fancy dress outfits for, love Robyn

A cape, every child I know should have a cape from Let Us Pretend. Then this built-to-last medical kit from Scandiborn is precisely the kind of Wes Anderson fantasy I want to force on all the impressionable youngsters in my life. As is their vet kit actually. This Lion fancy dress helmet from Not on the High Street (deffo not referred to as a helmet) is a wonder. Finally for my six year old god-daughter who is the sassiest chick I’ve ever met, A Strong Girl’s Club Sweater from Mutha.Hood and a Love is Power print from Jacqueline Colley. Please forgive me for consistently forgetting your birthday.

a girl in a blue strong girls club sweater. A little boy in a lion outfit. A wooden children's vet kit and a glittery cape.
If all these things came in an adult size that would be super.

To Robyn, love Robyn

Ok, I want everything. But that would take you HOURS so I’ll settle for a banging Christmas day outfit. This ASOS yellow dress should do the job paired with these blue ribbon shoes. Yes it means my dad will have to have the heating on maximum all day and no, I don’t care. I also want this safety pin earring by Roxanne First to top it all off and if I win the lottery an Olympia Le Tan clutch that will serve no purpose than just looking bloody wonderful.

a diamond safety, a yellow floral dress, blue ribbon shoes and a she-hulk pink handbag.
Best outfit ever? Yeah, probably.
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