The perfect gift for the aunty you secretly hate? How to say, ‘Thanks for Brexit, Dad’ with socks? We got you, guys.
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To Mr Crap Flat, love Emma
Dear Mr Crap Flat, thank you for putting up with my incessant rearranging and for doing all my DIY. Here’s a selection of gifts that say, I love you, and please notice how the amount of money I’ve spent is designed to indirectly make you feel bad for not spending as much on me. You are welcome. Kicking things off with Le Labo’s Santal, which smells like heaven and looks very cool. Then the waterproof Rains Backpack for your cycle into work, and so when I wear my Rains jacket we can match, because I know you hate that. Then this Elements of Islay single malt because I know you don’t like peaty whisky and I’ll get to drink it.
To my sister, love Emma
To my sister I will gift a pillow to quietly scream into every half hour or so. Perhaps this one from Tom Dixon, with its sound-muffling thickness. This from Teixidors which is subtle enough to carry around with you everywhere. The Cote Pierre one which looks a bit like the swirling emotions you’ll be feeling all Christmas, or the Heal’s Geo one, which is really just a lovely cushion.
To My Upstairs Neighbours, Love Emma
Slippers. For all those Wednesdays you get in at 4am (I’ll wrap these up in a passive aggressive note).
To Dad, love Emma
For my Dad, I shall give the gift of a little me-time ritual so he can carve out a little of the day for himself, because having a lot of people around doth stress him out muchly. This Slow Brewer Coffee Stand will force him to take his time, while he readies his cup and saucer, and he can light this Whisky and Oak candle, because it’s too early to actually drink, even at Christmas.
To Grandma and Grandad, Love Emma
For Grandma, a set of Ferm Ripple glasses for the drink that’ll push you over the edge at the Christmas table, resulting in an almighty fight about which Grandchild is the favourite. And for Grandad, this little book of calm and mindful quotes he can whip out in tense moments to pretend it isn’t happening. Then a big Boxing Day Hamper to take some of the work out of the next day when the entire family descends on you for nibbles. And, of course, it will all be wrapped exquisitely because every year you put us to shame.
To Emma, love Emma
I will roll around in these pieces on Christmas Day, drunk, shouting, ‘IT’S BECAUSE I DESERVE IT’. Nobody will enjoy it but me. Because I deserve it. These leather trousers from ASOS are THE ONES, because I went leather once and I’m never going back. And I shall wear them with this satin top and this Dad blazer, then top it all off with these jazzy shoes, because it’s fucking Christmas.
To Daddy D, love Robyn
My Poppa likes everything to be ‘of the earth’ so finding natural and sustainable presents is a focus. First off, jeans. Dad only ever has one pair of jeans and he just waits for that pair to fall apart to get a replacement set. Because of Levis Better Cotton initiative, which commits to more sustainable production, that’s what I’ll be getting him this year so he doesn’t have to wander around in his smalls. He’s also addicted to jam so this set of Mrs Bridges’ Twelve Days of Christmas preserves is coming his way. And a zero waste bathroom set from Etsy is just the thing to top off his stocking – favourite child title retained for another year.
To the Doggos, love Robyn
To make the Christmas morning walk less insufferable, I’ll invest in this lovely eyes harness from Hiro and Wolf for the puppy who plans to pull my arms off. Then matching jumpers, naturally. These shark beauties from Joules very much fit the bill. Also a Made.com pet teepee for Cilla to go and hide in when it gets Too Much (i.e when the traditional row kicks off). And finally, PLEASE SANTA gift them a stay at The Country Dog Hotel. The service ferries them off to a veritable doggie wonderland in Somerset so I can have a weekend of sweet, sweet peace.
To my little bro, love Robyn
Ok, I’ve realised this list is super masculine so I’m going to get my brother some CBD goodies from OTO and focus on his lovely, and wildly girly, fiance instead. Rebekah has just bought her first flat so a personalised welcome mat was a must. Then some pink accessories like this bubblegum cushion from Next and gorgeous quilt from La Redoute. And as an extra special treat the Charlotte Tilbury Pillow Talk set gives a classy pop of pink that looks the business.
To the long-suffering Jamie, love Robyn
Apparently you can’t buy a cannonisation so I’ll have to load up on gifts to say ‘sorry I’m the worst wife ever’ to St Jamie, the most patient man in Britain (Prince Charles is a close second). First up this Penhaligon’s Endymion cologne he is yet to repurchase for himself cos he’s a cheap-ass. Then a casual coat from Minimum to keep him toasty when he’s walking the dogs cos he’s yet to buy one for himself, again cos he’s a cheap-ass. Finally he’s getting a copy of Hidden London: Discovering the Forgotten Underground cos boy does that kid dig the tube.
To all my friend’s children, who I want to buy tiny fancy dress outfits for, love Robyn
A cape, every child I know should have a cape from Let Us Pretend. Then this built-to-last medical kit from Scandiborn is precisely the kind of Wes Anderson fantasy I want to force on all the impressionable youngsters in my life. As is their vet kit actually. This Lion fancy dress helmet from Not on the High Street (deffo not referred to as a helmet) is a wonder. Finally for my six year old god-daughter who is the sassiest chick I’ve ever met, A Strong Girl’s Club Sweater from Mutha.Hood and a Love is Power print from Jacqueline Colley. Please forgive me for consistently forgetting your birthday.
To Robyn, love Robyn
Ok, I want everything. But that would take you HOURS so I’ll settle for a banging Christmas day outfit. This ASOS yellow dress should do the job paired with these blue ribbon shoes. Yes it means my dad will have to have the heating on maximum all day and no, I don’t care. I also want this safety pin earring by Roxanne First to top it all off and if I win the lottery an Olympia Le Tan clutch that will serve no purpose than just looking bloody wonderful.
